Adults friendships: Why is it so hard to get together?

Have you ever thought of a friend and realized it had been months since you last saw each other?

As children, making friends seems almost effortless. You see them at school, around the neighbourhood or during activities, and spend hours together without having to plan a thing.

As adults, it’s a different story.

Between work, family, responsibilities and whatever else life throws your way, opportunities to see friends can become few and far between. Even a friendship you treasure can slip into the background without meaning for it to happen.

Yet friendships are an important part of our well-being. So how do you make room for them when there never seems to be enough time?

Why do your friendships matter so much?

Friends give you more than someone to have coffee or spend an evening with. They also contribute to your well-being.

They make you laugh, listen to you, and help you take a break from everyday concerns. They’re there to celebrate the good times and to support you through the hard ones. Being able to speak openly with someone who knows and accepts us without judgment can also provide a comforting sense of security.

Social support is recognized as an important resource for coping with stress and life’s challenges.

As psychotherapist Esther Perel points out, the quality of your relationships profoundly affects the quality of your life. Friendships deserve a place in your everyday life, too.

What if adult friendships just need a little more planning?

Do your friendships feel less spontaneous than they used to? They probably are.

As adults, you may be less likely to simply say, “Want to get together later?” Schedules need to line up, childcare needs to be arranged, and other plans may need to shift. Sometimes, getting together means booking a date weeks in advance.

But does planning have to feel like a chore?

Making plans with a friend doesn’t make the friendship any less natural. It shows that spending time together matters to you.

Research also suggests that adults today report having fewer close friends than in the past. In a U.S. survey, the proportion of people who said they had no close friends rose from 3% in 1990 to 12% in 2021.

These changes don’t mean adults need friendship any less. They can remind you that staying connected often requires making a conscious effort to set aside time for one another.

Keeping a friendship going doesn’t have to take hours

Maintaining a friendship doesn’t necessarily mean organizing an outing every week or spending hours on the phone.

Small gestures count, too.

A message to check in after a difficult week. A spontaneous “I was thinking of you.” A moment to acknowledge a birthday. An invitation to coffee, even if the first available date is three weeks away.

These small gestures show a friend they matter.

Technology can also help you keep in touch, especially when we live far apart. A voice message or quick call may not replace seeing each other in person, but it can help you stay connected between visits.

When you can, make time to be together in person. Coffee, a walk, a meal, or a few hours in each other’s company can lead to a good conversation, a shared laugh, or simply a moment of feeling understood.

What if you reached out first?

It’s easy to assume a friend is too busy or to worry that you’ll be bothering them. But they may be thinking exactly the same thing.

So why not send that message you’ve been putting off?

“It’s been a while! Want to get together soon?”

It doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that.

Friendships change as we move through life. Some grow more distant, others take new forms, and new friendships can become an important part of our lives. The goal isn’t necessarily to have a large circle of friends. It’s to nurture the relationships that matter to you.

As author Karine Côté-Andreetti reminds us in Ports d’attache : osons révolutionner nos amitiés!, our relationships play an important role in how we live and how we see ourselves.

Take a moment to think of someone you care about.

When was the last time you let them know they were on your mind?

Article written in collaboration with Dre. Lory Zephyr, psychologist and founder of Ça va maman 

References:

Abrams, Z. (2023). “The science of friendship.” Monitor on Psychology.

Pezirkianidis, C. et al. (2023). “Adult friendship and wellbeing: A systematic review with practical implications.” Frontiers in Psychology.

Vieth, G. et al. (2022). “Developmental antecedents of friendship satisfaction in adulthood.” Developmental Psychology.