Understanding and navigating through infidelity

Infidelity—whether physical or emotional—can shake a relationship to the core. It often unleashes a flood of pain, anger, guilt, or shame, no matter which side of the equation you’re on. While hard to grasp, it’s frequently a symptom of deeper trouble within the couple. Because it feels like an emotional betrayal, it’s usually perceived as far worse than a simple “lack of respect.” Seeing what can lead to infidelity makes it easier to face—and, in some cases, to rebuild on firmer ground.

When a lack of desire fuels infidelity

As desire or intimacy fades, one partner may feel an emotional or sexual void. If that need isn’t voiced or met, they might start “looking elsewhere” for what’s missing. The affair becomes an attempt to fill an unmet need. Understanding that dynamic doesn’t excuse the act, but it does shed light on how it happens.

Where does the gap in sexual desire come from?

It’s normal for partners to have different levels of sexual desire, yet persistent gaps can cause frustration, rejection, and guilt on both sides. Possible factors include:

• Biological: hormones, fatigue, contraception, hormonal disorders, side effects of certain medications
• Psychological: stress, anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues, past trauma
• Social: cultural pressures, mental load, unrealistic expectations around sexual performance

When these gaps persist, they can spark frustration, feelings of rejection, and guilt in both the partner who wants more and the one who feels less. That’s why it’s crucial to face the issue head-on and keep the conversation with your partner open and clear.

Emotional infidelity: Just as painful

Infidelity isn’t limited to physical encounters. Sometimes the heart drifts elsewhere without a single sexual touch. That’s emotional infidelity. 

It shows up as an intimate bond with someone other than your partner: sharing secrets, exchanging tender messages, building a deepening emotional complicity. Telltale signs include hidden conversations, a drop-off in couple intimacy, or a growing sense of emotional distance at home. 

Even without sexual contact, this kind of betrayal can inflict real hurt and shake the couple’s trust to its core.

What to do when you’ve been betrayed

Finding out your partner has been unfaithful hurts badly. Everyone reacts differently: anger, sadness, self-doubt, a collapse in confidence. To get through the shock, consider these steps:

• Step back. Give yourself space; big decisions made in the heat of pain often miss the mark.
• Talk to someone you trust. A friend, family member, therapist, psychologist, or sexologist can help you process what happened.
• Clarify your needs. Do you want answers? Time alone? Couple’s therapy? Naming what you need guides your next moves.
• Don’t blame yourself. Infidelity usually reflects the unfaithful partner’s choices, dissatisfactions, or blind spots. It does not reflect your worth.

Whether you stay together or part ways, rebuilding is possible. Honor your own pace and never downplay your pain; healing starts with acknowledging it.

What if you were the one who strayed?

Nobody’s perfect. If you’ve been unfaithful, start by asking yourself:

• Was I trying to fill a void?
• Was I acting out of personal distress?
• Was there a problem I didn’t dare voice?

Take responsibility, admit it with genuine honesty, and commit to making amends. Those steps are essential if you want any chance of rebuilding.

How can you keep it from happening again?

You’ve heard it before: open communication is the backbone of a healthy relationship. When unspoken feelings pile up, distance grows. To protect intimacy and steer clear of future infidelity, try the following:

• Voice your needs, desires, and frustrations frankly.
• Broaden your definition of sexuality. It’s not just about sex acts; touches, looks, play, and small gestures matter, too.
• Re-ignite the spark. Experiment with new experiences together to break routine and rebuild genuine connection.
• Respect each partner’s pace. Learn to navigate different levels of desire with kindness and collaboration.

Physical or emotional, infidelity is never easy. It sheds light on unmet needs, old wounds, or a breakdown in communication. Seeking help, whether it’s couple’s therapy or individual counselling, can make all the difference. No one should face this pain alone. Emotional and relational well-being are core to overall health—and tending to them is a vital form of self-care.

Article written in collaboration with Au lit avec Anne-Marie